he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
