I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
