New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Drake has all the answers
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
