I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
