someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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