You did not just play the dead husband card again.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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