your parents love me but you hate me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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