Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
