Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
