At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
