Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
