i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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