chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
