i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
