everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
