you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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