I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
