this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize