I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
