fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize