I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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