On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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