I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
