just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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