Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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