I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She told me I should be a condom model.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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