There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
