and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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