that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
