I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
