Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
