i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
