***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
