best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
