I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
