After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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