She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
