Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
