all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This house was built for laser tag.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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