I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We need a shit load of segways right now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
