Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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