Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
