I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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