For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize