You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
do herpes really smell.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
