Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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