is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
