just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
