and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
