I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
