I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
