Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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