I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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