I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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