He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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