I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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