I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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