mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
