Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
