If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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