i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
