Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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